i'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings & fingerprints

I used to eat hearts for breakfast. . .

sarahmarie02 — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 14:50:45 +0000

. . .Then I’d dust off the crumbs//Before the next victim would come–Ashlynn Ivy “Hearts for Breakfast”

Things have been okay. . .a lot better but still below par. I’ve been working out anywhere from 3-6 time a week since joining a gym about 6 weeks ago. I’ve gained weight and gotten bigger somehow? I really need to see an endocrinologist. I have so many symptoms of my thryoid still being underactive, yet last time it was checked, the results showed it being hyperactive. If it’s hyperactive I should have trouble sleeping (okay I do, but I’m also very lethargic and fatigued feeling), I should be losing weight (I’m gaining), I should be hot all the time (I’m always cold). AND my glucose tested high, which isn’t the first time for it to happen.

I recently discovered a new local artist, Ashlynn Ivy (if you go to “band profile” you can listen and download some of her songs). Her voice is awesome and her music reminds me of Eisley. I saw her play Saturday night at the Boomtown Film and Music Festival in Beaumont and had lots of fun. My neighbor, Dave, is her guitarist so I went with him. It was probably the most fun I’ve had in Beaumont (or this area in general actually) in quite some time. I love live music, but I don’t really know of the bands in this area.

Haha, I was interviewed and my picture was taken for a fashion column that comes out on Thursdays in the Beaumont Enterprise. I was wearing a black cotton dress from Dillard’s, with a black cardigan from Target. I had on a whiskey brown belt (from Urban Outfitters) and whiskey brown boots (from Target). I had on this great gold and aqua/turquoise necklace also from UO and a light aqua (really almost mint green) colored bag from UO. Bracelets came from Contents in Houston. It was pretty cool

Protected: ICU and Psychiatric Acute Care

sarahmarie02 — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 04:48:48 +0000

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Protected: Despair

sarahmarie02 — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 17:59:15 +0000

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Protected: We admitted we were powerless. . .

sarahmarie02 — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 14:31:11 +0000

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3rd Time’s the Charm?

sarahmarie02 — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 10:04:07 +0000

I’ve decided to stop drinking yet AGAIN.

Went to a meeting with my little brother last night, and going to another this morning in a couple of hours. This time, unlike the past two times, I’m going to have people my age that are sober to hang out with. They’re all guys as of right now but at least they’re sober!

Rebel Without a Cause

sarahmarie02 — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 23:10:23 +0000

Something in my life has to change.

I have a new job that I’ll start on the 30th. . .basically a clerical/admin type job. Hopefully I’ll be able to stop living paycheck to paycheck since I’ll be making more money and since every check will be the same.

Lately I’ve realized that I act like a rebellious teenager. But I’m 26 years old, what is there to be rebelling against except myself?

I need something in my life to be passionate about. I don’t have a career, I don’t have a relationship, I don’t have an academic life–nothing to really get excited about.

I’m really struggling financially as well. . . .all my bills are past due and rent is due on the 1st. . .not sure how to pay any of it.

Actually I just got off the phone with my mom. . .she paid my bills. I feel so fucking pathetic, irresponsible, ashamed, guilty, etc. . .

And then after I talked to my mom, Adam called me. *sigh* I really miss that boy. He asked me, “when are you going to fall in love with me instead of all those other boys?”

I told him, “when we live in the same city.”

He said, “that’s not fair though, I can’t come to your city, you have like 10 ex-boyfriends I’d have to compete with”

Seriously though, I really miss him, I haven’t seen him in almost 2 years. . . .he’s living in Minnesota in a sober-living community. Minnesota is just too far away.

There’s No Beauty in This Breakdown

sarahmarie02 — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:45:20 +0000

It’s been building for months and it’s finally arrived. The severe depression that I always feared would come back.

I need something. Dr Garvin called in a prescription to put me back on Prozac.

Is Prozac really the answer? I was so numb on the Prozac. I wasn’t happy then either, I was numb. Numb really is no better.

I’m crying again.

When I was on break yesterday and talking to my mom on the phone she asked me if I was suicidal. I had to really think about it. I’m still not completely sure how to answer it. Am I suicidal? I’m not sure. I’m hopeless. I don’t see how or when anything can or will change. I don’t see a point in doing anything. I’m tired of trying things to make things better.

But do I want to die? I’m not sure.
It’s more that I want to sleep for weeks, months, years.
That’s not the same as suicidal. I know. But it’s how I felt when I was hospitalized last time.

Ask me questions

sarahmarie02 — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 15:34:32 +0000

I have a formspring. . . .ask me questions:

http://www.formspring.me/sarahmarie02

Meriwether & American Fangs tonight!

sarahmarie02 — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 15:33:57 +0000

My migraines are getting severe. A few weeks back I had one that lasted THREE DAYS. I ended up in the ER twice. The first night they did bloodwork, gave me Zofran for the nausea/throwing up and Imitrex for the migraine. It helped for a few hours but I woke up the next day in pain. I got the prescription for Imitrex and Zofran filled hoping it would help. Nothing. And I was throwing up. So I went back to the ER. They gave me fluids for dehydration and Compazine for the migraine. Didn’t help at all. But they gave me a prescription for Midrin that I got filled the next day (since I woke up with another migraine) and it works. And it’s way cheaper than Imitrex. $13 for 20 pills as opposed to over $100 for 5!

And the depression has been coming back as well. May be thyroid related (since I’m still convinced it’s off) or it may be related to lowering my Wellbutrin a month back. I got a thryoid panel done Wednesday and we’ve brought my Wellbutrin back up to 300 mg so we’ll see.

I’ve gained even more weight though. It’s a full 20 pounds now. It’s disgusting. I ordered Healthe Trim pills last night. Yes, diet pills. Whatever, I’m determined to lose this weight through any means available pretty much. Just 15-20 pounds, I don’t want to get back to 104 or anything, I can even see that was too thin. But 110-115 would be good.

I’ve been seeing a new boy for about 6 weeks now. I like to keep names out of this since it’s public so we’ll just call him F*. I’ve known him since January but it wasn’t until he started flirting via Twitter (lol I know, I know) that I really noticed just how cute he is! And he claims he’s an asshole but I’ve yet to see that directed toward me in ANY way. . . .he’s sweet and caring, I think the “asshole” is possibly a facade. I’m sure he can be one, just like I can be a bitch, but I wouldn’t automatically put him in that category.

It’s not exclusive and it’s nothing serious, and for now I’m okay with that. I could change my mind any minute, but for now it’s okay. Especially since he’s out of the country for three weeks!

Tonight Meriwether will be in town playing at Fitzgerald’s along with American Fangs and a few other bands. I’m pretty excited. I get off work around 9:45 so I should make it there by 10:30, which is when Meriwether is supposed to go on. Skip sent me a message on FB saying they’re staying in town tonight so the afterparty needs to be insane. I’ll see what I can do. If only I didn’t work in the morning I’d have it here!

But I have all the symptoms?

sarahmarie02 — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 14:40:58 +0000

In the past two months I’ve gained 15 pounds. I’ve gone from a 0 or 1 to a 5 or 7 (depends on the brand/fit). That’s a huge jump in 2 months. In addition to the unexplained weight gain my nails are brittle, peeling and lifting off the nail bed. My skin is dry. I’m always tired. My moods have been lower. I get muscle cramps really often. All symptoms of hypothyroidism (which I have). So I got bloodwork done thinking (hoping) that my thyroid was low.

It’s not. All normal. But I have all the symptoms. The last time I weighed this much was when I was originally diagnosed with hypothyroidism actually.

So yesterday I started counting calories again and today when I get off work I will start working out using the exercise programs on OnDemand. I’ll give it a month and if I haven’t lost weight I’m going to see an endocrinologist because this is ridiculous. Yesterday when I counted my calories I ate about 1400 and it wasn’t much less than what I normally eat so it’s not even that I’m overeating. :/ I just want to be back down to around 110 pounds. . . .what I’ve weighed for the past two years.

Other than the weight gain, not much has been going on. There are actually no guys in my life right now, probably because I feel too fat and unattractive. . . .and that lack of confidence is obvious and is a turn-off. But this lack of guys is a rare thing. . . .and it bothers me. :/

My allergies have been killing me lately and I wish I had the money to go back on allergy shots at McGovern Clinic because I think they would help. Zyrtec certainly isn’t helping much. It works for a few hours but definitely not the 24 hours it’s supposed to.